Sunday, November 18, 2012

Sentence Beginnings


Last week, ten of you left comments favoring Sample 1. I, too, favored it. It was more immediate and, I think, more lyrical. It situated you, the reader, in the scene.
            Now the question is “What happened between Draft 13 and 19 that made me change my writing style?” The answer is that I began to pay attention to the way contemporary mystery novelists write.


            In an earlier posting, I examined the way I was taught to write with a variety of simple, compound, and complex sentences. I quickly fell into the habit of beginning many sentences with a subordinate clause that established a timeframe. After she decided to write about the craft of writing, the dismayed writer realized she knew nothing about that topic. Or I’d begin with a participial phrase: Sitting at the computer, the dismayed writer tried to compose her post for the day.
            However, last year I began to examine paragraphs in the mysteries I read. Most were straightforward, that is, the novelists put the subject of the sentence as close as possible to its beginning. They didn’t avoid complex sentences that began with the subordinate clause, but they didn’t favor them either—as I did. With this writing style, a plot moved forward quickly. These novelists built a paragraph of simple, compound, and complex sentences that were simpler in construction than the ones I wrote.
            Some of them seemed to be shooting bullets pointblank at the reader: bang a sentence with subject/predicate at the beginning. Bang, another sentence. Bang, a third. But more often, the novelists were gifted at establishing transition without using the link of a beginning phrase or subordinate clause. I admire this skill.
            So for Draft 19, I edited to rid the manuscript of sentences in which the reader had to slog through a number of words before getting to the subject and its predicate—the “meat” of the sentence. Unfortunately, I do not yet have the ability to write that way without sounding stilted. I need to work on the craft. When I simply write what I’m thinking and the way I'm thinking it, my writing is much more like the 19th century than the 21st.


Here’s a painting by Goya of a Spanish writer with the tools of his trade.

            I’ve now merged the two samples from last week into the following sample. You will note that it illustrates the way I wrote as I grew up. It's not an example of the way many novelists write today.

Burdened with shame, I trekked down to the Jordan to spy on John. By the time I arrived at Elisha’s spring, the sun had already climbed the heavens' vault. Cupping my hand in the rush of its chilled water, I drank deeply, then rose and headed southeast.
      Warily, I descended steep ravines and forded wadis swollen with water rumbling through the steep gorges on its turbulent journey to the Jordan. Only a trickle would reach the winding river when the dry season began.
     As the sun drew the early morning rain back into the heavens, the day grew muggy. Heat shimmered like a spider’s dream as chirring locusts scoured the well-worn path to the river. Rivulets of sweat trickled down my back and soaked the hair massed in the hollows of my armpits. Thistle from low-growing brambles and sweet-smelling acacias snared my tunic with bristled burrs. Thus it was that I arrived at the ford of Bethabara stinking of sweat.
     Beyond the plumed reeds, chattering pilgrims thronged the embankment, chewing figs, spitting out pomegranate seeds, telling overblown tales. Besides subtle phrases spoken in Hebrew, I could hear the musical cadence of Greek and the more familiar Aramaic, spoken with a deep twang by peasants from the Galilee. Amidst the dissonance, I longed for the quiet of my courtyard and the tools of my trade.

Do you think this opening is getting better? That is, does it draw you into the scene and make you want to read more?


“The New Novel” by Winslow Homer.

And would you rather read fewer words or would you rather live in the scene? Some writers can manage both feats. I’m still working on that.

All the photographs are from Wikipedia.

22 comments:

  1. I know I'm not much help, but everything you write makes me want to read more.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, how kind of you. Let's hope that one fine day I'll get this manuscript published and you'll have a book to read! Peace.

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  2. You are a better judge than I, Dee.. but I do know that I enjoy whatever style you choose to write in.

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    1. Dear Pam, that's the thing. Right now I've been over the manuscript so many times that I've lost my objectivity. Peace.

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  3. I agree with the two before me that you are quite adroit with any style you choose. This one absolutely makes me want to read more, and I feel I am right there with the action.

    Thank you for this post. You made me realize something. Although I enthusiastically teach sentence construction, I am not mindful of it at all when I write my little blog postings. From here on out, I am going to be more purposeful with regards to that as I write.

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    1. Dear Shelly, I'm going to say to you what a couple of the comments below yours say to me: please don't over think your writing. You are a natural. Your stories flow, your characters leap off the page, your words show us instead of just tell us who and what, where and when. So please just keep writing as you've always done. Peace.

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  4. I took my time with this and even got annoyed at Soldier as he whined to get his dinner. He's early, it is no longer daylight savings, but he doesn't know yet.

    I like paragraphs 1 and 2 better in draft #13. I like paragraphs 3 and 4 better here, except that I prefer "Admidst this dissonance" to "the dissonance."

    But these are just minor things, preferences really.

    You write in such a special, Dee Ready, way that I haven't seen before, so I would not do too much to change that uniqueness. I believe it is your gift. Your way of writing is your own, it is beautiful, it touches one's heart and that is what is important. Not clauses and phrases although they have their place. Please don't get too worried and too analytical.

    As an asides, I believe that P. D. James writes the best English of all mystery writers. Not the best plots perhaps, nor the best characters, but her English is beautiful.

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    1. Dear Inger, thanks for thinking about this so studiously. I'm not at all sure about any of the paragraphs, but I do so agree with you about "this" as opposed to "the" in the last sentence of the sample. That's give transition, which is so important for the reader feeling that the paragraph, sentence by sentence, is a tapestry. It other words, it holds together as if it were woven/knitted together.

      Thank you for encouraging me to resist being "too worried and too analytical." That's always been a problem of mine. Dad encouraged me to think long thoughts and often I think too long. It's the mathematician in me. I get anal, in fact.

      And thanks for mentioning P. D. James. I read her years ago, but haven't done so in the past say 15 years and so I'll check one of her books out of the library and read her. Peace.

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  5. This is better than the second example, but it still does NOT speak to me as well as the first. I don't mean to nitpick, but one thing bothers me in all 3 examples. You have the crowd chewing figs & spitting out pomegranate seeds. I like the earthiness of it but it reminds me of an old ad for Texas & Pacific: "Drink T & P coffee". (Read it aloud.)

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    1. Dear Fishducky, I've never thought about that chewing and spitting! I see what you mean. Ah, the pitfalls of writing. Peace.

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  6. Hi Dee, how nice to read your excerpt! It is truly beautiful writing and I most definitely want to read more, not just to find out who the characters are or what's going on but to relish how you use the language. You are truly gifted and I wish you the best in finishing this novel to your satisfaction.

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    1. Dear Karen, thanks for the good wishes. I'm not sure that I'll do anything more to the novel as it feels to me as if I've already sucked out its juices by doing so many drafts. A friend who's had two novels published by HarperCollins is going to read the ms. in December and let me know her thoughts on it.

      If she thinks it has possibiliities--and that's a big IF--I'll do a little more work, per her suggestions. But my thoughts are that the manuscript simply doesn't have the tension and suspense a novel needs. So I'm looking at the whole thing as an exercise in learning to write better. Peace.

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  7. You've done it! I absolutely love how you've combined the two to make a perfect mixture. Nicely done.

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    1. Dear Elisa, you are so supportive and kind. Thank you. Peace.

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  8. You do have your own voice or writing style. You should write the way YOU would want to read it. Tell the story in your own way. :)

    My only thought was--in the first sentence it sounded like he had ALREADY trekked to Jordan. Wasn't till the end of the second paragraph I was sure he was actually on his way there. A little confusing. Even if he said he decided to trek to Jordon to spy on John it would be clearer. A little thing, but then the reader doesn't have to backtrack.

    Myself, I might have liked a small hint as to why he was ashamed during his trek to Jordon or upon his approach or arrival. Something to whet the mystery, I guess.

    LOL! This reminds me of when I was in writing classes at college. Sorry. I can kind of fall back into that mindset.

    Keep your voice! Don't over think it too much. :)

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    1. Dear Rita, thank you for encouraging me to simply write the way I choose to write. I need to hear that from someone. I tend to get a little anal about the whole thing.
      As if there's one right way to do this!

      And thanks also for your thoughts about the time confusion. I'll work on fixing that.

      As to the hint of why he's ashamed, that is taken care of by the first chapter. Chapter 1 is brief. It's a letter from Daniel, who's blackmailing Ephraim and it truly denigrates him. Then Chapter 2 begins four months earlier (that notation is given in the heading of Chapter 2). The samples are from the beginning of Chapter 2. So I think the reader will already be aware of why Ephraim is ashamed.

      Thanks so much for the encouragement. Because I can get too analytical, I need to be reminded not to over think too much! You're put your fingers on one of the traits that has never truly helped me much! Peace.

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  9. As I much preferred draft, 13 to draft 19. I'm pleased to see how much of draft 13 is still here, Dee. I'm with Inger too in liking 'this' dissonance rather than 'the'.

    I was interested to read what you said about analysing the style of the mystery writers you read, but are you primarily writing a mystery here or a historical novel? If the latter I think a much more richly textured and detailed prose is more appropriate, since you have to create not only the plot but the setting, a setting very alien to almost all your readers. A modern mystery novel, set in the contemporary world,can assume a lot of background knowledge on the part of the reader. You can't. Your story need telling in a very different way from the adventures of Agatha Raisin. :-)

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    1. Dear Perpetua, you've made such a good point about the difference between a mystery and an historical novel. Truly, I hadn't considered that. If I decide to try and get this published, I'm going to use the dialogue from Draft 19 and the narrative from Draft 13. I'll simply meld the two of them. I know that the dialogue in 19 is sharper and more like actual people speaking than that in 13. All this will mean more work, but if a better ms. is the outcome, then I'm game.

      Have you started reading Agatha Raisin?????? If so, I'd be so interested in your response to Mrs. Bloxby, the vicar's wife.

      Peace.

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  10. How hard it must be to channel your work and get opinions from readers who sample your work. My feeling is that whatever you write and re write will be judged by those who are in the business of selling it and these days that can vary greatly.
    Choosing a topic for a novel and writing over a long time is really a hard task as well.
    I think you have taken on a very difficult project. Here's to you!

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  11. Dear Heidrun, writing a novel does take a lot of time and perseverance, and yet some authors are able to write a novel rather quickly. They know the plot and the characters and the words flow with no blockages. I find myself envying them! Peace.

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  12. I think that each of us has a different brain process Have you ever taken a test to find out your creative nature and your learning style? It may help because then you can link up with like people who will get your point and who can be of better assistance. There's a lot on the web.

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    1. Dear Heidrun, I haven't taken such a test. I suspect that the way I write has a lot to do with the way I was taught. Peace.

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